After Toxic Codependency

I can’t deny I’ll never stop loving you  It’s impossible it’s from my soul But how can I allow myself to be hurt  By your cold and reckless affection  It’s a love that knows no return No mutual exchange (lonely) No enriching touch (empty) No middle ground (jaded) No reason to try (so why) I keep asking to be proven wrong  I keep waiting to see a change  You say why should you when I’m not But how can I when I’ve nothing left I keep still, not running away  I keep getting the same result, insane  Maybe I just don’t understand  How love is suppose to feel And think I’ve given more than I have  Maybe I’m foolish, I probably am I don’t want to talk and hear the same thing  That its all my fault over and over again How things I didn’t do made you feel some way That gives you the right to whatever you like  I just want you intricately intimately  You rather be anywhere but just with me When we’re alone you’re looking away For an esca...

  I hated being so quick to lose my cool  I regret not being able to breathe and let be Its a tragedy love isn't really enough  And I regret giving so much freely  A shame things had to end this way But I can't regret doing the right thing  And walking away, I'll be okay.  Building walls just to keep you away I can't care if you're fine or not  That compassion always snares the trap Entangling me back with you  Entangling a crazy rendezvous  Entangling my heart be damned Entangling where I was bound I can't allow my self to reminisce now I know I'll end up even worse off than I am now  This parasisic relationship isn't fair  You always come out of it better still It's no wonder you fight so hard  Only at the end to keep it going  The emotional warfare takes pause Now your crazy has another cause  If I break away theres nothing Stable enough for you to cling to Entangling so we rely  Entangling codependency lies...

 It’s hard to make this feeling musical. No melody alive could carry this hollow. Even if I stripped these words bare and spoke them plain into the air, some drummer somewhere would still drag a beat from the bones. But this is not silence. Not the lack of rhythm. This is the pain of once holding something warm and watching it be withheld for nothing. No locked gate. No warning sign. No barricade of iron or law. Just a road that starts in sunlight with everything you prayed for in your hands, then bends, slowly, smiling, away from where you need to go. You cannot turn around. Time is a hallway with one door. It closes behind you each time you breathe. And say you rebuilt it. Brick by faithful brick. Say you found the same hands, the same room, the same first light. Would it live again with all these wounds still open? Or would it curdle on arrival, go bitter on the tongue, another beautiful thing spoiled by being touched too late? So why do we keep walking? Why feed the machine tha...

It's been a few days since we've spoken So it's been a few days since we've fought And now you're reaching out to me Wanting to come and see me  I don't know if you should I have to say I really miss you  Your absence leaves me feeling incomplete  But the peace and calm these past few days Make recent choices worth this loneliness  Every second chance was just another battle  Loving you never was logical But the comfort of this reprieve  Makes these changes obvious  It's time to come undone If I'm supposed to be better off Then why am I resisting the change  Every ignored call takes effort  To seem like I just don't care  I know that just isn't fair  But what's fair has never been the point It doesn't matter now. You had your chance, To put the effort in to fix us  I told you then but if you forgot it... I won't, can't, I refuse to do this anymore  Loving you wasn't logical  And neither was staying so long This peace ...

 In the middle of a fight I say things I know will hurt you "I don't love you anymore!" A lie you'll never unhear Despite the fact we're textbook toxicity I've honestly never stopped loving you... Wanting you, needing you... Even getting hurt by you It's reached a point it physically hurts The bruises are now hands-free  I hate where we are I'm afraid to love you still Why did we let ourselves Become our worst nemesis Despite this being my point of view I'll say I'm Not pretending I'm a saint I'm ashamed the State made a case out of it And hate that I learned that lesson hurting you I'm better but I can't take that away Yet you stay, and I stay... Knowing full well we should stop Holding tight to fading memories Together just holding hands I hate where we are I'm afraid to love you still Why did we let ourselves Become our worst nemesis Even now you're miles away The state line between us  Is closer than the real distanc...

I had suspicions... I'm a lovefool, but I'm weathered too Every time I voiced my fears, I was gaslit effortlessly Before I know it, I'm foolishly devoted to a con... a player Even through my adoring eyes I see your words are... dubious So how do I find myself caught unaware With the conflicting lines, I got the truth half the time You were here getting even for things that were only your sins of thought I've heard of a preemptive strike But what you DO ... IT'S something new I'm left bewildered and confused End the war before I'm belligerent Strike First!  Obliterate, raze my heart with everyone If I wasn't so... brutalized by it I'd be in... awe The level of planning and imagining conspiracies If I hadn't gone through it, I'd say "Impossible!" How can you let someone love... you ... then ruin them for all time Of course I play the part you had set for me Armed with just suspicions, I acted out with vengeance Y...